Sepia - toned love letter
by loneranger67
Summary: 'Maura can longer stand to see Jane with Casey and decides to leave. Maura hopes, as she is about to leave, that Jane will say something...' An idea taken from a tumblr gif, this is all about Maura's reasons for leaving...and how Jane's attitude has made it impossible for her to stay. *Was a one-shot, but there is now a second chapter*
1. Chapter 1

**This story came about from a tumblr gif via Twitter- I needed an idea for a one-shot and this is the result. Thanks to MyoFiona for dropping it into my lap...top.**

**As I started to write this, and really thought about it, for a poop-load of personal reasons it was actually incredibly hard to write...and I had to step out once in a while and take a moment. Anyway, the end result was worth all the angst...I hope. And if nothing else, it cleared away a few dusty corners of my mind. **

**I'd love you to review, it means a lot and I truly value your opinions.**

**No beta, no proof reader, so any howling blunders are my own.**

**TNT, Tess Gerritson and Janet Tamaro own the characters and franchise of Rizzoli and Isles...but all the words are mine.**

**The prompt was this:**

**'Maura can no longer stand to see Jane with Casey, and decides to leave. Maura hopes, as she is about to leave, that Jane will say something, but all they do is...'**

She had expected more_..._no, actually, she knew not to _expect_ anything...but she had _hoped _for more of a reaction...more than this..

...this, whatever the hell it was...this _situation_- like their relationship- wasn't run of the mill, wasn't ordinary – and they had never been anything less than extraordinary.

This moment, her 'denouement'...it _should_ have knocked Jane off her feet...knocked her sideways...made her wake up from her stupor...because this was the hardest thing Maura would ever have to say...

...and if it had been the other way round...

"I'm leaving Boston Jane..."

...if it had been _Jane_ telling her best friend that she was leaving...

"What?!...why?!"

… Jane telling her that she couldn't stand to see her make the biggest mistake of her life...

"Because Casey won't make you happy Jane...and I love you too much to stay and watch your life come apart in front of me..."

...'again'... you want to say 'again', because you've been here before, unfailingly, ready to sew all the strands back together again...never quite as perfect as before, but a fair semblance...

"Maura...you can't say"...and her breath hitches, catches in her throat...

" You don't _know_ that..."

...and it would be too damn hard to have to be here _this_ time...when it's your own fractured heart about to break in two...

" I do Jane...because it's already happening..."

...you've seen the changes, seen her evolution alter its course, take subtle steps away from all she's ever been...ever could be...should be...

"Maura...I..."

"I love you Jane...so much."

...and you walked away, because you wanted so much more than this...you wanted all of her...and you wanted her to want_ all_ of you ...not just need you...needing and wanting are not the same thing at all...and she doesn't seem to understand the difference...

...why could she not understand the difference?...

You love her.

It is the simplest emotion of all...and the hardest to make any sense of...it defies logic- and it's so hard for you because logic is all you have.

You love all of her in every way possible - and just the thought of leaving her is enough to make your heart constrict and contort...and you know that hearts can't actually _do_ that...you know it's impossible for a heart to shift inside you...but it hurts.

It hurts so much that each beat feels like a splinter being chipped away...and you realise that _this_ feeling, this pain is not just for what you will have lost...it is for what you will never have.

She loves you.

You _know_ it... sometimes, she can look at you...look into you, and you can feel a love and desire burning with an intensity that takes your breath away...and you know she feels the heat reflect back to her...but she turns her eyes away from it...she is so afraid to get burned...afraid to face her fear head-on.

Her refusal to face what has always been there means you have become the contents of an unopened love letter, that sits on the mantle shelf, fading into sepia as the days and weeks go by.

And until she faces her fear, until she admits the truth to herself, then she will never open it and read the beautifully written offering inside.

She won't say the words...she can't say the words...and you hate to ask this to yourself... but when did this brave, confident woman become so...weak...so...compliant?

When she told you, all those weeks ago, that she loved Casey and planned to live with him, maybe even marry him... that was when your heart began it's descent into your chest.

She loves Casey and will stay with him...and even as she says it, when you look her straight in the eyes, willing her to see what you see... she cannot meet yours...will not meet yours.

She told you she loved Casey... and all you saw in those dark chocolate pools was guilt... and pity.

She will stay with him...it's an obligation, not a declaration of undying love. It's a solution to a vexing problem...marry the veteran, have the grandchildren her mother craves _-but that Jane could live without_- be the stereotype...be desperately unhappy and unfulfilled, but fit the profile.

Do anything but admit you love Maura Isles...that you want her as well as need her.

Casey likes to walk away...and yes, it is ironic- until a few months ago he couldn't walk at all.

But Casey is a leaver, he stays around when he wants to, and leaves just as soon as he thinks he's too settled.

His career takes him all over the globe- Jane's keeps her in Boston. He could retire, take up a post closer to home...but Casey is selfish and a self-fulfilling prophecy- he will leave... and Jane will be alone.

But when it comes to Jane, you as well have been selfish...you wanted her for yourself, and for a while...you had her... and you thought you'd stop at nothing to always have her...and so now you've all but stopped trying...because nothing is all you seem to get back.

She hardly comes to see you in the morgue...Frost says that she's closed herself off to everyone...he wants the _ballsy_ Jane back...he misses her too.

You said your goodbyes, she gave you a nothing kind of hug...and then had to go out to a scene...Pike would be here when she got back.

A few days pass and now you are ready to leave. Washington is ready for you.

You don't want to leave...you don't want to never see Jane again, you want to see her everyday...wake up with her, _love_ her... and fall asleep beside her...

You should hate her...you wish you could...but you know you never will.. ...hate is only the flip side of love anyway...too close for any kind of comfort.

Bu if you stay, this pain in your heart will only get heavier, and your love for her will only become stronger...and you cannot torture yourself any more.

_Even though it will be torture without her..._

The traffic is conspiring against you... your flight leaves in three hours and there's an accident on the Turnpike...you need order and control today of all days.

She was in your head before you left Beacon Hill... before you even left the driveway. Angela cried, hugging you like an only daughter going off to college... hugged you hard... like Jane should have done... you waited until you were in the car and cried like a baby...grieving for someone very much alive...at least death leaves no room for possibilities.

You make it to the airport in good time...you wander aimlessly around the shops and cafes, time ticking far too slowly, like it has all the time in the world, and Jane is in your head again...you can hear her familiar raspy voice over everything else and you miss an announcement over the tannoy system..._damn it_, _was_ _that important?_

And there it is again...Jane's voice sounding so close this time...

"Maura..._please_...turn around..."

And it's Jane...out of breath, panting hard, hair wilder than ever... looking straight in to your eyes...

"Jane?.. what the... what are you doing here?"

Your legs have gone weak and breathing isn't as easy as it was a minute ago...why is she doing this?...

You feel a well of anger bubbling up inside you...how _dare_ she come here now...

"You were right..."

Any thoughts you had of an angry retort are put on hold...

"I wouldn't be happy with Casey..."

**Thank you for reading...reviews are most welcome.**


	2. Chapter 2

**_I've had lots of lovely comments and reviews about this story, and I decided that perhaps there was a second chapter after all..._**

"You were right..."

Any thoughts you had of an angry retort are put on hold.

"I wouldn't be happy with Casey."

Your legs are only just keeping you upright...the anger that's building is fast becoming fury...and you can feel your heart shifting in your chest...

"_You_...wouldn't be happy?..._god_...Jane...what gives you...why are you doing this?"

For the first time in weeks she is looking straight into your eyes...and she looks... lost... as if this seemed like a good idea at the time..

"I...I don't want you to leave..."

It's barely a whisper...the words she should have said days, weeks... months ago...barely a whisper...but the guilt comes through loud and clear...and you're done with guilt...

"You come here now...my flight leaves in what..._forty five minutes_...and you come here now to tell me that you don't want me to leave?!"

Anger...you're not accustomed to it...you never get angry, and certainly never with anyone in such close proximity...and she's chewing on her lip, shifting her feet...she's obviously so uncomfortable...

"Maura, I_ know_ the timing's lousy, and I'm sorry...I'm _so, so_ sorry that I left it so long..." you let out an incredulous snort...

"Weeks Jane...you've known for weeks that I was leaving...I just don't..." and she cuts in before you can finish...she is pleading with you now...while you just need to finish this...

"I wish I could've told you...I should've told you Maura I'm _so_ sorry I..."

...and it's your turn to cut in... you take two steps closer to her...you're in touching distance...your heart is thumping and you're probably going to hyperventilate...

...you jab your finger hard into her chest and she flinches, but stands tall and firm...still not breaking the eye contact...

"You have no right to tell me this now Jane...no right at all..."

... this is the closest you've been to each other in weeks...and paradoxically, the furthest away since you met...Jane just stands there, frozen to the spot, her chocolate eyes and rangy frame looking for all the world like a deer caught in the headlights, not knowing which way to go to avoid the inevitable collision...

.."_god_...how can you come here, after _all_ this time...after _all_ I've gone through over this, and tell me that?"...you're shaking with anger in the middle of a busy airport but right now there's just you and her in the ring...

"I _love_ you Jane, you _know_ that...you _knew_ that all along...and yet... you did nothing, nothing to make me believe that you didn't love me ...you let me have hope...but you were cruel because then you took it all away..."

With a shake of the head you turn around..." Goodbye Jane..." and you start to walk away, tears about to consume you...

" I _do_ love you Maura!" ... she half cries it, half shouts it out, almost like the cry of a wounded animal, and it stops you dead in your tracks...you have your back to her but you can feel her eyes burning into you.. slowly, you turn around...and there is the love of your life...telling you now that she loves you...

Stronger legs take you towards her...

"I've _always_ loved you...it's always been you..."

Her eyes are filled with tears, they look like deep, dark pools glistening under the harsh strip lighting...and you've never slapped anyone in your life but the force of your palm meeting her cheek gives a short sharp crack that makes passers by look around...and Jane's head snaps to her right...she rubs her cheek, nodding her head...

" _Okay_...I deserve that..." she says, eyes to the floor...

_"_Oh, you do_!"_ and you hear how loud you sound, but almost three years of anger and hurt and pain are being released...and you've earned the right to be as loud as you damn well please...

"...because _you_ don't get to do this...you don't get to say this now...I needed you to say it before Casey...before Agent Dean...I needed you to say it when you put a bullet through yourself...or when Hoyt tried to kill us both..._that's_ when you should've said it Jane...that's when you needed to wake up and realise what you were doing to me...to us...I knew you loved me"... and you have to take a breath..."and you just never said it!..."

You're voice is cracking and tears are welling up and you need to not be here, with passers by rubbernecking and whispering ...and you realise that you've forgotten about your flight...you quickly look at your watch..._damn it!_...

Thirty minutes later, after another public display of anger, this time directed at 'jobs worth' airline employees, you and your hand luggage are sitting in a soulless cafe pondering your next move...Jane has gone but her words are still ringing in your ears...

she said she loves you...it was three years too late, but she said she loves you...

...take a later flight ... or come back tomorrow...

...Jane looked so...broken...not in the same way as with Hoyt, and of course you'd never want her to be broken again...but the sadness in her eyes was for all that she was about to lose...you, Casey..._no!..stop it!_...three years for pity's sake_..._you can't let yourself think about her like that now...

...take the later flight or come back tomorrow?

..._three_ _years_

Deciding to take tomorrows flight, you finish the abomination they call 'coffee' and head back out to the desk to change the details, and call the company that was going to drive your car to Washington giving them the change of plans- you'll arrive there rested at least...though you doubt you'll sleep that much...

And you do need somewhere to sleep for the night, so you book a hotel room not far from the airport...you give out a long sigh...this day that had started with you just wanting to leave, had conspired with fate and turned itself into a much longer goodbye...

Fresh air...or as fresh as Boston air can be...you take a deep breath as you step outside the terminal...your anger has diluted, and now it seems you've drifted into melancholy and that really isn't what you wanted...

Seeing Jane has undermined your stoicism...you'd been so strong, so resolute...so determined to just get on the damn plane and then you could fall apart...you miss her...and your heart is sinking a little bit further with every minute that passes...

You smooth out your skirt, straighten your jacket...and take a step to head to the car...somehow, you can feel she's there before she speaks...

"Maura..." she pauses...your heart shifts again...you're stock still and can only sense her peripherally...

" I'd have waited here all night if I had to...I just need to know one thing...and if you don't want to answer me..or can't...well...that's okay...I'll understand...and I'll just go and never bother you again I promise..." she pauses to consider the question...

...you hear 'never' and it's like another splinter chipping away...

...you wanted to hate her and you couldn't...you want to still be angry with her...but even that's difficult now...now that she's so close, under your skin... if you close your eyes you can smell lavender...and hate is just the flip side of love...

"...I know I can never make up for what I did to you...or rather, what I didn't do...I was selfish and cruel in the way I behaved...and if I could turn back time and change things I would...in a heartbeat...because I know how much I hurt you..._us_..." you hear her husky voice crack with emotion...

..."but I can't Maura, I wish to God I could...but I'd give up everything right now...my job, my apartment...my..." she has to stop to breathe and this is _so_ hard for her now, her voice breaks...

"...my family...I'd give them _all_ up to make this right..." you turn to face her again and see three years of hurt and pain...three years of denial and fear...and something else...

"What do you need to know Jane?" you ask, but you already know what the question will be, you can see it in her eyes, almost pleading with you...

"Please...Maura...I need to know if...if you can forgive me"

She lets the question out in a sob and struggles to hold herself together.

You _see_ the pain and the hurt, you hear the desperation...but she feels what you to wanted her to feel all along..._want_...she doesn't just need you, she wants you...she finally understands the difference...

Her suffering is just too much to watch, and while you'll never be able to erase the memory of the last few months, you cannot bare to see the same pain that you felt for all that time now etched into Jane's face- so you go to her...

You hold each other, both sobbing, and somewhere between the sobs and the 'I love you's' your lips meet, and you forget, just for this moment why you were ever angry.

Jane has opened the letter on the mantle shelf, and you will sit and read the contents of it together- not letting it fade to sepia. And when you've finished reading, you will put it away in a drawer, leaving it to become just another memory.

.

_**Thank you for reading. **_


End file.
